It might be because I decided to play La La Land soundtrack album on Spotify. I also have a growing suspicion it might have something to do with the wine I drank at lunch, most of it I drained on an empty stomach. It might also be because I kept hearing the phrase "another day of sun" from one of the La La Land songs only to be greeted by gloomy and grey sky. It almost felt as though the song was mocking me tirelessly. Hey, listen to us singing about yet another sunny day in LA and enjoy this appropriately cheerful melody. Oh, stop.. just stop.
In case you haven't read my love letters to Los Angeles in my previous posts, I'd like to stress that my love for City of Angels is strong and true. And all of those things I wrote in the paragraph above makes me miss LA, yet again. I also somehow miss my life over there, and you know what else - or rather who else - I miss, I miss my sister and my brothers.
Wow, that was new. I who was born and raised in a typical Asian family. Meaning we don't exchange 'I love you's and 'I miss you's casually, if ever. You know some people drunk text their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, I, apparently, tipsy/slightly drunk declare my love for my siblings.
I honestly admire people who are very openly affectionate towards their siblings. People who are openly proud of their brothers and/or sisters. My siblings and I cringe when people tell us we look alike, like omg, seriously, I look like that? When we fight, it could be spectacular. Insults are uttered, hateful stares are exchanged, doors are slammed. When we were younger, fights used to get physical. Scratch marks, pinch marks, punch marks, you name it. They used to be our frequent visitors. If I had a penny for every time I packed my bag and wanted to leave home in search for better parents and siblings, I would be filthy rich right now.
The next few hours after a fight, though, we act like nothing happened. We choose to ignore the physical or mental injuries we have inflicted on each other. But somehow we could casually talk about comic books when we were younger or where we should grab dinner when we're older. Ah, the beauty of sibling relationships. "Do you want to borrow my Doraemon comic book number 15?" actually means "Sorry, I scratched your hands and now they look so scary but hey, let's forget about that, shall we?". "Should we eat sushi tonight?" translates into "Sorry for screaming and yelling for no reason, even though you annoyed the hell out of me, but it's nothing yellowtail hand rolls can't fix right?".
No, among my siblings and I, tearful and heartfelt apologies are almost nonexistent. I can imagine a therapist looking at me saying, "Oh dear..", sympathetically and scribbling notes furiously. It's more like if I talk to you first, it means I'm willing to lower my pride and throw my ego aside to initiate a truce.
But you know what, I miss them so dearly. Oh gosh, City of Stars is playing from La La Land soundtrack album, and Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are singing "A voice that says I'll be here, and you'll be alright". Oh, so many emotions so many feelings. What is this tingling sensation in my chest? Is this a physical manifestation of sisterly and brotherly love when you miss them?
The thing is - and I never tell them in person because I don't think I can do so before dissolving into laughter - when I'm around my siblings, I feel invincible. Like when we were little and we liked to pretend we were Power Rangers (I was always Kimberly, of course) and that we could fight against any villains and evils. When I'm with my siblings, I feel like I don't care what the rest of the world might think. I don't care how competitive the real world is. For a moment, I feel like as long as they get me and my ideas, that's all that matters. We don't always agree on everything, but that's okay. I can handle our differences because no matter what, when I wake up the next day, they'll still be my siblings (like I have a choice?).
My favorite is when we all get judgmental (oh admit it, who doesn't), and start a sentence with, "I don't get people who...". And then, they will say something like, "Oh, my God, yes! I don't get it either." It's as if I get a free pass to complain about anything and not have to worry about my reputation because even if they disagree with me and vice versa, it's what siblings are for. They're like a laboratory where you are free to experiment with the ideas in your head so even if your ideas turn out to be bad, you at least don't make a fool of yourself in public. Because your siblings will be there to tell you, without any sugar-coating, why are you being so fucking narrow-minded, for example?
Thanks to them, my sister and two brothers, I feel like I have such a strong support system. They're the ones I can shamelessly brag about anything - ranging from work, recent trips, great food - to. We all studied different things and we also have different skill sets. And this is where the invincible feeling comes in, knowing that I can rely on them to help me with challenges life presents along the way. That they're a Facetime call away when I need to bounce my ideas off someone. Although we are all living in different time zones, know that I always want the best for you guys and am always thinking of you whenever I discover a really good restaurant that serves amazing food.
Before the effect of my red wine wears off and I get goosebumps reading my own cheesiness, I'm going to end this here and hit the 'publish' button before I regret this rather public display of emotions.